GRAND RAPIDS, Michigan — Christmas is just days away and for many this is the most wonderful time of the year. However, studies suggest many Americans experience more stress, anxiety and depression during the holiday season - between Thanksgiving through the new year.
"Holidays can be hard, especially for those dealing with grief and loss," says Anya Nyson, a psychotherapist for Spectrum Health. "I think we have such an awkwardness around grief. And we are afraid of upsetting people. We're kind of an emotion-avoidant culture.
Nyson says because of that many people bottle up their feelings of loneliness and being overwhelmed simply because they don't know how to talk about it.
"The person that lost someone doesn't want to forget them. So ask them how they're doing. Talk about that person, you know, because they meant something. It would it also be good to figure out a way to bring that person that is no longer with us with us into the celebration," she says.
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She says that includes setting a place at the dinner table for the lost loved-one, sharing memories and including pictures at family gatherings.
Nyson says about 72% of Americans have felt feelings of loneliness. One-third say they feel lonely on a weekly basis. She thinks social media is partly to blame. Those feelings are exacerbated during the holiday season.
"I think people are afraid when they're lonely to actually say, 'you know, I don't want to be alone over the holidays' and ask 'can I come to your house,' says Nyson. "So, maybe we can ask someone. Don't be afraid to reach out to those that would, otherwise, be alone. Let's do the asking ourselves."
In addition to grief, Nyson says stress and anxiety can can easily steal Christmas joy, if allowed.
She offers the following tips on battling depression, stress and anxiety during the holiday season:
Eight Ways to Improve Holiday Gatherings
1. Don't set expectations - cultivate flexibility instead
You made elaborate New Year's Eve plans and paid an inflated price to get into a well-advertised party. You imagine for weeks how amazing the night is going to be. As the night comes to a close, you're disappointed that it didn't live up to your expectations. Conversely, remember that party you forgot about until the day of? You dreaded going and complained silently, but went anyway only to be pleasantly surprised by how nice it was.
Think of expectations as disappointments waiting to happen. Rather than having expectations, cultivate flexibility instead. Work on catching yourself dreading Thanksgiving dinner at your in-laws. Then, say to yourself, "I have no idea how Thanksgiving is going to go, but whatever happens, I'll roll with it."
2. Don't 'should' on yourself - have realistic expectations of yourself instead
You don't want to make pies from scratch, but you tell yourself you should. You want two helpings of mashed potatoes, but think you shouldn't go for seconds.
Your worth as a person is not contingent on your flaky homemade crust and fluffy whipped cream nor for only having one helping of potatoes. Try this trick the next time you say should or shouldn't to yourself:
Replace the word should with 'don't want to.' Replace the word shouldn't with 'want to.'
Example:
'I should make pies from scratch' becomes, 'I don't want to make pies from scratch.'
'I shouldn't have seconds' becomes, 'I want seconds.'
The reworded statement is your truth. When you don't mind doing something, you don't have to tell yourself you should do it; you just do it. "Shoulding" is an attempt to guilt yourself into doing or not doing what you think you should or should not do. By being honest with yourself, you're eliminating the guilt. This truth allows you to choose to do something or not rather than pressuring or shaming yourself.
Also, if there are any negative comments about your store-bought dessert, you can tell them that they will find you being well-rested and in a good mood more palatable than your homemade pie.
3. Don't poke the bear - show some grace instead
You have an overt, or covert, rivalry with your sister-in-law, and you can't wait to brag about the promotion you received or your children's many accomplishments. When you want to humble-brag, inquire instead how they've been since you saw them last. Reciprocity is more likely to keep a conversation going and allow you to share. Sincere tellings of achievements are better received than trying to one-up others and helps build the relationship rather than drive a wedge in it.
Or, perhaps you find teasing your goth nephew, with his stringy black bangs covering his face, a fun way to get the room laughing and to pass the time before dinner. Rather than belittling your nephew in front of everyone, ask him what his favorite video game is and keep the conversation going. Get to know him as a person rather than judging him.
4. Don't take the bait - accept differences of opinion instead
Does Grandpa George feel compelled to share his political views because it's his house? And, how many times has he reminded everyone he worked hard and paid his taxes, not like those Millennials, dammit?
As much as you want to point out to Grandpa George how things have changed since his day, you won't change his mind, so don't even go there.
Instead, Prepare pat responses ahead of time that you can use repeatedly. Use a sincere tone and say something like, "You are a good man, Grandpa," or "We appreciate all you've done, Grandpa," and move on. It helps to think of your pat responses ahead of time, so you have them at the ready.
Bonus: This is a great parenting tool. Rather than arguing with my teens when they didn't like a no response, I would say, "I love you too much to argue," in a loving voice, then say nothing else. They quickly learned that this meant I was not going to argue with them, thus eliminating badgering.
5. Don't "should" on others - accept that others don't have to share your values instead
Do you think Grandpa George should keep his opinions to himself? Do you think your family shouldn't eat turkey because you're a vegetarian?
'Shoulding' on others will only result in anger and frustration for you. You get angry at others when they don't do what you think they should, or do what you think they shouldn't. Try this trick next time you catch yourself saying should or shouldn't about someone:
Replace the word should with 'doesn't have to.'
Replace the word shouldn't with 'can.'
Example:
"Grandpa George should keep his opinions to himself" becomes, "Grandpa George doesn't have to keep his opinions to himself."
"My family shouldn't eat turkey" becomes, "My family can eat turkey."
Practicing this helps to remind you that every person is unique, and they are not wrong or less than because they have different values from yours.
6. Don't personalize - add context by considering others instead
Did your mother make a passive-aggressive remark about how she thinks women with long grey hair look like witches? Do you think she said it because you stopped coloring your hair six months ago? Or, do you believe that your father-in-law talks on and on about his financial portfolio, golf handicap, boat, and vacation home as a way to make you feel inadequate?
It is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself once you no longer personalize what others say. What others say is one hundred percent about them because it is based on their values and beliefs to minimize personalizing. Consider their history and perspective and how that plays into what they say.
Think of your mother's generation and what was considered attractive in her era. In her day, women with long, grey hair were grannies in muumuus with no bra. In her day, coloring your hair when it turned grey meant you wouldn't be that kind of old lady. Things have changed for your generation, but she still has her long-set beliefs.
Maybe your father-in-law grew up believing a person's value came from what they had, and he's showing his value to you. Consider his generation and beliefs; they are not about you.
It is more accurate to include the person who said something that hurt or offended you because it stops you from believing that what is said is solely about you.
7. Don't say 'I have to' - say 'I get to,' instead
A coworker asks you what your plans are for the holidays, you say, "Ugh. We're exchanging gifts at my partner's family's house." Negative thoughts create negative emotions. In this case, perhaps dread, annoyance, or resentment.
A quick re-frame is to replace "have to" with "get to."
"I have to go to my partner's family's house," becomes "I get to go to my partner's family's house." A positive thought will create positive emotions; use this trick can reduce your level of negativity.
8. Don't neglect yourself - do self-care before, during and after
Breathe. As previously stated, your thoughts can create feelings of anxiety, stress, which will increase your heart rate. Slowing down your breathing will help to slow down your heart rate, helping to reduce your anxiety.
The go-to breathing technique I teach people for anxiety goes like this:
Inhale for a count of 4
Hold your breath for a count of 4
Exhale for a count of 6
Hold for a count of 4
Count to yourself as you breathe. Do several rounds, then return to your normal breathing. Repeat as needed. When appropriate, close your eyes to increase the benefit by eliminating visual sensory input. Doing these steps in silence will help to reduce your anxiety further.
Practice mindfulness meditation. Your mind's job is to think, so you're not going to stop it from doing its job. The goal of mindfulness meditation is to keep your mind in the present moment, noticing your thoughts, emotions, body, and external stimuli without judgment. You can significantly improve your mood and outlook on life by making this a consistent practice.
Using mindfulness apps is a great tool way to help. I recommend the app Head space as a great way to start and maintain the practice.
Maintain a gratitude list. Identify three unique things you're grateful for each day. I recommend keeping a running list in the notes on your phone, or in a journal. By doing this, you can look back and reinforce all the reasons you have to be grateful.
Don't overindulge. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but it also increases impulsivity by slowing down the activity in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought and decision-making.
Even if you aren't the one overindulging, you know all too well how uncomfortable or even frightening it can feel to be around others who do. Use all the above skills to make it through the event and imbibe reasonably.
Sleep. You know you need sleep, and you know the reasons why. Value your needs over cultural expectations. You will feel better when you listen to the wisdom of your body rather than your beliefs.
Use a mantra. Repeat a word or phrase to increase your input of positive thoughts. One method is to link it to your breath. Inhale what you want to take in and exhale what you want to send out.
Here are a few examples:
Inhale: I am loved.
Exhale: I express love.
Inhale: I can do this.
Exhale: This, too, shall pass.
Inhale: Joy to me.
Exhale: Joy to the world.
Be the light. See the light.
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